Be Careful What You Wish For

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On Friday, I was really excited to get that job interview; however, after thinking about it most of the weekend, my excitement seemed to shift to hesitation and then to fear, and it was to a fear that I actually might be employed in two weeks.

I know. After being panicked about not having a job, I am panicked about getting a job. Crazy woman here or what, huh? I am definitely going for the job interview, and certainly, if I’m fortunate enough to be offered the job, I will accept it. But, to be honest, there’s a part of me that’s enjoying life now too much to work.

It would seem that over the last 8 months, the depression, desperation, disillusionment, and disappointment (Did I forget to mention that I love alliteration?!?) have slowly been replaced by full-time motherhood (soccer games, brownie baking, and dog walking to mention a few), passion (writing and cycling), and relaxation (lunch and dinner with friends). Despite not being able to move on in a particular direction, I told a few people recently that the last few months have been some of the happiest months in the last 10 years of my life.

It’s like I’ve lived another life, and after 25 years of pretty much working full-time, I feel like this whole period of unemployment has been, dare I say, a huge gift. Bill always tells me that Bob needs to “stop and smell the roses.” And, you know what? It’s a lot easier to do so when you have the time to do so. It was as if Life had put my kids, my passions, and my friends in box, wrapped them all up in pink polka dot paper with a big satin pink ribbon, and then said, “Here, enjoy this gift. Experience it. Breathe it. Smell it. Live it. Love it. And always cherish it, because you might never be here again.”

I often fear that I might die young like my parents. I used to say to friends, I don’t care if I die when I’m 56 like my Mom, as long as I can say I had the love of a good man. Now, if something were to happen, I feel like I’ve been given something far greater than just that one kind of love; I was given the time to be with my children, my friends, and follow my heart, even if that meant watching back-to-back episodes of Law & Order or having all the time in the world to think about which inanimate object would look better by draping it in pearls; most importantly, I was finally able to love myself.

Reality is such that I have to move on at some point for many reasons. But, from this time, I take the “gift” with me; and as time passes, I will strive to be in this place again, loving my life, but this time, I will strive to be loving all of it, every damn single inch of it. My only hope is that I get there way before I’m 56.

I remember getting a card from my friend, Bitsy (Elizabeth), right after my mother died. When I opened Bitsy’s card, it said, “Wouldn’t it be nice if our lives were like VCRs…and we could fast forward through the crummy times?” In that card, she told me that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Today, I sit here and think how Bitsy’s life was cut so short; she was 33 when she died. I feel very fortunate to be here at 47, having all that I have. I have so much; I have this life, my wonderful life, good and bad, happy and sad, and most importantly, it’s mine, rain or shine. I try to remember that every day.

And, if I get this job, I will feel blessed, but in some ways, I do wish I could push this button…


and linger a bit longer. ♥

Thanks to my editor, Tunabreath. ♥