On Being Jean

Blog soundtrack:



"I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan.”

After my job interview today, which went well I think, I had lunch with one of my good friends. Over lunch, he said that after reading my latest blog that I had finally become the person he hoped I would become. He didn’t mean that in a bad way; actually, I knew exactly how he meant it.

It was not that I was lacking in who I was; it was more that I was lacking in who I could be. That is, if I were a present, I was covered in a layer of uncertainty wrapping paper and had needed to be unwrapped for a long time. What does uncertainty wrapping paper look like? It has a pink background on which are a bunch of strategically placed dark pink question marks!

As I’ve said in a previous post, romantic love is nice. But in recent months, I’ve discovered that the most important love one can have, first and foremost, is the love of oneself. Obviously, I’ve had a lot of time to think in the last six months, which has been, yet again, a good thing.

Pondering his words, I wondered had I gotten old enough not to care about who I was, or had I been here all along, but hadn’t cared enough about myself to be who I was?

And, when I thought about it more, and I said to myself, “He’s right.“ I am a totally different person from the one he first met. Why? Because, in the past few months, I have realized that it’s okay to be me. It’s okay to admit you like pink, Hello Kitty, unreliable old Italian cars, adore shoes, and have 100+ cookie cutters.

It’s odd, but I liken it to the “We’re here; we’re queer” slogan, except mine is “I’m Jean, and I SO am a Queen!” I have always loved that slogan (We’re here; we’re queer), because, to me, it always just really said, sexual orientation aside, “This is me, and I love who me is." Anyway, in my case, it was “queen” in the regally undeniable sense, like Queen Elizabeth. And, I would like to say right now that when I say “Queen”, it’s not in that full of myself kind of way. No, definitely not.

Believe it or not, it took me 47 years to be able to say something like that. The honest to God’s truth is that I finally accept myself, the good and the bad (well, let’s not say the “bad”; let’s say the “quirks” instead), and I say I’m okay with it all. I know I can be impulsive, impatient, and that I visit Sephora with the frequency that some visit the bathroom, but like John Candy says in “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles”…

Well, you think what you want about me.
I'm not changing.
I like--I like me.
My wife likes me.
My customers like me.
'Cause I'm the real article.
What you see is what you get.

So, in a way, my friend is right. I like me, and I’m not changing. Well, I never really changed myself for anyone; it was just that I wasn't truly myself for anyone.

And, I think that half of what’s made me realize that is my friends. For example, in my quest to get a rental car today, I found out that my license expired on my birthday (May 18th). Oops! (And, I cannot believe the registry doesn’t send you a reminder anymore, given what we pay in taxes!)

One of my friends told me that if the police catch you with an expired license, that’s instant jail time. Anyway, I found myself saying to that friend, “Wow, if I had been busted and jailed, well, that so would have been a good blog story!” To which he replied that I may be getting a bit carried away with my blog, and that I should NOT, under any circumstances, visit North Korea.

He then responded later and said that he was just thinking about me, North Korea, and laughing. He must be one of the few Americans on which the thought of me and North Korea have that effect! And he then said that he couldn’t think of a county and a person (me) that just didn’t match. He said he envisioned me roaming about there, a tall blonde wearing pink, all happy and meeting people, amongst many shorter people with unhappy faces with “boring music and clothes”.

And going back to what my friend said today at lunch, it’s not only me that has brought me out; it's in large part due to my friends who really “get” me, like my friend who described me being in North Korea.

It’s amazing to think of how much time I’ve wasted not being gotten the last 10 years. Being with someone should be a partnership, but in some ways, the person closest to you, well, they should be your mirror, too. When you look at them and talk to them, the beautiful vision of who you are should be reflected back at you and visa versa.

For the last six months, I’ve had my friends hold up that mirror to me, and when I look in it, I see my reflection so clearly. I’ve finally been able to hold that mirror up to my own face and see not just a reflection but see ME and say, “Wow. You're beautiful, and I love you, and even if you have 100+ cookie cutters, and still plan on building upon that collection, well, you're just being Jean, and there absolutely nothing wrong with that!”



On Being Trite:

One of my closest friends, with whom I’d often exchange trite words over the past few years that we’ve both laughed about, told me that his his favorite trite saying from me was “This too shall pass”. He then told me that it was not really trite, because George Harrison made a whole album around it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_Things_Must_Pass

Not to mention that it was “considered to be one of the best albums made by a Beatle as a solo artist.”

I then said that the Beatles did trite so well with “A Little Help From My Friends”, and in response, he said, “Let It Be.” So, in retrospect, the Beatles even made trite into greatness; therefore, I deem trite the new emotionally evolved. Well, if the Beatles did it, then everyone should be willing to do it! :-)