Fierce and Psycho Cycling Chick, Inc.

Blog sountrack:

Since today is Monday, I went back to work like the rest of you. Well, I began my job at the newly formed, “Fierce and Psycho Cycling Chick, Inc.” Yes, it’s official. I got my “offer” letter this morning via special messenger. He rang the doorbell at 6am, and I think he said his name was Lance.

Hey, if you don’t believe me (well, not about the Lance part), here’s the letter.

Dear Jean,

We are pleased to offer you a job as a Fierce and Psycho Cycling Chick. We trust that your knowledge, skills and experience will be among our most valuable assets. Your primary job responsibility will be to ride our trail 25 miles each day.

Should you accept this job offer, per company policy you'll be eligible to receive the following beginning on your hire date which is August 24, 2009: 52 weeks of vacation, options (to ride 25 miles or to ride 50 miles, to say “on your left” or “on your right”, or to choose to let the guys catch you or not), and a generous health plan, which comprises a box of Hello Kitty band-aids, which you must supply yourself.

In turn, we offer you the competitive salary of approximately 1057 calories burned per day.

Sincerely,
The Nashua River Rail Trail

So, at 12:30pm today, I assembled my employees in the FrontStepsoftheHouse conference room, and I took attendance.

Hermione Helmet – check!
Isadora iPod – check!
Gabby Gloves – check!
Sedgwick Sunglasses – check!
Sasha Cycling Shoes – check!
Wendy and Warren Water Bottles – Ooops, they were still on coffee break on the kitchen counter.
Buenos Aires Bike – check!

I then gave my first inspirational speech.

“This is our first official day at work. Now, let’s be a team today and ride this 25 miles like we’re just tying our sneaker, okay? And, remember, if someone tries to catch us, everyone is expected to put in overtime. Okay, group hug!”

At that moment, Rover walked out and said, “Mrrrrrrrrreow!” I had forgotten that I had hired her as a “consultant.” She’s my 20-year-old cat, and she really knows nothing about cycling, given that she’s a cat; however, she’s always the last one I see before I begin work and the first one I see when I get back. So, Rover has the unofficial title of “Cheerleader/Greeter/Human Resources.” Granted, I was the only “human” on this team, but at 20 years of age, Rover deserved every title she could get.

Anyway, Rover was a “dotted line” report to me as was the “weather.” And, I have no idea what a “dotted line” report is. In my company, I use it to indicate “uncooperative and unreliable.” For example, Rover doesn’t always greet me, because she is deaf, old, and is often fast asleep on the porch sofa when I leave for work. Also, the weather here, especially in the last 9 months, has been anything but predictable.

At 12:45pm, I headed back into the corporate offices to get Rover her bonus. Yes, it was early for bonuses and nowhere near holiday time, but I never know how much longer Rover will be in my employ.

I grabbed Rover’s bonus (i.e., wet cat food) out of the refrigerator with my left hand, and then I turned to go outside and caught a glimpse of Wendy and Warren Water Bottles on the cafeteria counter. I reached for them, putting Wendy under my left armpit, and took Warren with my right hand. Unfortunately, this was not meant to be, and Rover’s bonus fell to the floor. I saved all the wet cat food I could. Gawd, I hate wet cat food, especially the smell of hot wet cat food (when you rinse the cans out to recycle). Cleaning up wet cat food off the floor is right up there with things you never want to do, but you do it because you love your ancient cat.

At 1pm, I gave Rover her bonus, and I climbed onto Buenos Aires Bike and headed to the rail trail. All systems were go, well, until two miles into the ride. Who let me down? Well, who else? One of my dotted line reports. No, not Rover. By now, she was fast asleep on the sofa on the porch. It was the weather!

Half of the sky was sunny and half of it screamed, “I’m so gonna rain on you and kill ya with a lightning bolt, Baby!” I actually stopped, and here’s a picture of what was behind me and what was in front of me. Confusing, yeah?!!?!?



So, one minute it was sunny and raining, and then the next, it was gloomy and raining. As for the temperature, it went from 70 degrees in the shade to 85 degrees in the sun. It seemed that if I had checked http://www.boston.com/ for the weather report before I left, there would have been this bitchy icon displayed. Err, “"No wire hangers, ever!"



And below it, it would have said “Menopausal!”

Anyway, shortly thereafter, the weather seemed to get on some kind of hormone replacement treatment, and it was cloudy and warm for the rest of the ride.

Halfway to Nashua, Isadora decided to die on me. I said, “Come on. You’re fully charged, so what’s the problem?” Isadora said, “You’ve played ‘Catch Me’ five times in a row now. I getting sick of it. Let’s move on to ‘Animal Bar,’ okay?” Of course, I wouldn’t hear of it, and Isadora feigned low battery and died.

Note to self: Report Isadora to Rover (Human Resources) for a bad 80s dance attitude!

After reaching Nashua (12.5 miles), it was clear that Sasha Cycling Shoes had an issue. Its Velcro strap on my right shoe kept coming un-velcro-ed. Is that even a word? And, to all you cycling people out there, how do you fix this?!???!



I had to report Sasha Cycling Shoes to Rover as well. I think Sasha had gotten a taste of Steve Madden in my previous blog and was already starting to move on, hoping to break out into the sexy pump world! :-)

Anyway, I arrived home after 25, and it was a good first day of work. I had a business meeting I had to go to at about 4:30. Err, even if no one can see your toes, it’s always good to keep them purple and flowered!



And, finally, after a long day at work (err, in total, approximately 2 hours of it with prep and riding time), it’s good to suck up to the boss and buy her flowers.



By the way, the hostile takeover that Fierce and Psycho Cycling Chick, Inc. had planned over Fabulous and Fifty-Plus Cycling Dudes, Ltd. didn't take place as [hopefully] planned. I saw Bill tonight, and I asked, "Hey, what happened to you guys? Are you afraid of me?" Bill said, "No. I'm not. But, maybe Jeff is. Should we be afraid?!?!?" I said, "No. But, you didn't email me!" Apparently, Bill just got back into town today, and he thought that Jeff wasn't due in 'til tonight. So, we have tentatively planned that Wednesday will be the day.

Corporate Photo of CEO and CAT (Rover):

Things Look Classier With Pearls Tangent:

Door knob (before and after):



Kitty litter (before and after):



SPAM and Lima Beans (before and after):

Stinky cycling socks (before and after):



Massachusetts Unemployment Website (before and after):