I Fought the Tree

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I just wanted to let you know that I now finally understand why I was having so much difficulty taking down my Christmas tree. It was because I needed to write a book and then read it. What book was that? This one, of course.



So, after I read the last chapter, Chapter 8, which was “Reasons Why You Should Not Wait Until Arbor Day To Take Your Christmas Tree Down,” I decided it was time to take down the tree.

Audience: Gasp!
My Friend: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Goddess: No. It was time!

Chapter 7, “Evil Things Your Tree Might Do To Prevent You from Taking it Down” scared me a bit; however, I felt empowered, inspired, and not like I had just wasted $24.99 on a self-help book.

Of course, since I wrote the book, I did not pay for it. But, if I wrote it, I’m absolutely sure people would spend $24.99 on it, especially AC, who still had an Xmas tree hanging around indoors. And, I’m pretty sure that Quentin Tarantino would buy the movie rights, too! Christmas Tree Dogs. Hell, ya!

Anyway, I ventured down to the basement to fetch the Xmas boxes. After lugging all four of them up the stairs, I placed them in the living room. And, you know, the first step is always the most difficult.



I looked at the boxes, looked at the tree, and then I decided that I was exhausted. The first step is also the most tiring. I read that in Chapter 3, “Pre-Tree Deconstruction: Carbo Loading.” I didn’t have the recommended five bowls of Cheerios last night, so I was in an energy deficit.

I had to go rest on the couch for a bit. Okay, okay, okay. It was just one episode of “Criminal Minds.” And, I worked during the commercials for once. Two hours later (did I mention the intriguing “Cold Case” episode after that?), I had all the ornaments off of the tree.



So far, contrary to “Taking Down the Xmas Tree for Dummies,” my tree hadn’t done anything to prevent me from my work. I was beginning to think Chapter 7 was a pack of lies. Besides, everyone knows that the only trees that come alive are apple trees like in the “Wizard of Oz.”

As I was working today, I was joined by my three feline personal assistants, Thundie, Liam, and Plume. Since Liam is an indoor-only cat, as Plume will be, he has a special fondness for the tree. He spent most of December with gobs of sap on his back, because he’d go into the living room and sleep under the tree.

The tree was definitely his taste of the outside even if he was inside. In fact, I’m surprised Liam wasn’t picketing me with the sign, “Tree, yes! Monty, no!” Liam will certainly miss the tree the most.



Once all the ornaments were off, I started to unwrap the lights. (And, yes, I put them all the way around the tree; if you don’t, that’s cheating!) I had used three strands this year, because two was not quite enough and the one I added was just a tad too long. Needless to say, figuring out the intertwined lights was more perplexing than my worst iPod headphone tangle.



As I took off the lights, I noticed a pins-and-needles feeling in each leg; okay, it was really only needles. When I stopped, I looked down. It was Chapter 7! The tree was beginning to fight. Ouch!



At one point, I put down the strands of lights to answer the phone. When I came back, they were gone. I looked all around; suddenly, I felt something wrapping around my leg. It was the lights – they were alive and trying to suck me under the tree!



And, there was no doubt now that the whole Carole Ann bit in Poltergeist left a lasting impression on me, huh? I knew I lived in a town that began with “A,” but I didn’t think it was Amityville!

After I took all the lights off, the poor tree just gave up. There it was without ornaments and lights. It was naked and totally pissed off about it!



I went to unscrew the bolts in the stand. Nathan was home, so he held the tree for me. The bolts were so tight, I had to use my pliers (the pink ones!) to loosen them.

Nathan lifted the tree up and pulled it out of the stand. He brought it out the living room door, out the front door, and then brought it out to the backyard. The tree did not leave without final parting words.

Okay, they were more like needles, thousands of them. Look, if this were Christmas Tree C.S.I., we’d know that the victim was brought out the front door by the trail of bloo…needles!



After the tree was out, I pulled out the vacuum. You do know that pine needles are the Christmas gift that keeps on giving. I figured I'll be vacuuming up needles 'til September. Needles are like rabbits. Just when you think you’ve vacuumed up the last of them, you turn to vacuum another corner, turn back, and there are 10 more needles where you just vacuumed!

Along those lines, I thought of a great craft kit today. It’s the pine needle craft kit. Just look at the great things you can create. (By the way, screw FTD; say it with pine needles this Valentine’s Day!)



After two hours of vacuuming, the living room was back to normal. You never would have known that there was a tree here unless the C.S.I. team sprayed luminol over the carpet to detect the bloo...needle spray that occurred when the victim was disposed of. Vacuuming could not erase the trace.



When I went to close the front door, I saw the “water tree” reminder.



I took it down, and then I threw it in the trash. And, it was only later that I realized that our tree and wreaths would still be watered, albeit outside, by Monty.



It took me about 5 hours to take the tree down today, and I do believe that’s not counting “Criminal Minds” and “Cold Case.” Next year, I’m going to lobby for a real little blue spruce; we had one year due to major construction, and it now lives in the backyard. This December, the tree must be small and real or artificial. I hated seeing that beautiful tree lying there in the backyard. I fought the tree; however, today, I think the tree won. ♥

End blog soundtrack (just because I love Brian McKnight so much, especially this song):