I know it seems odd to follow a quote by Einstein with a song by the Ramones, but then again, they were both pure genius, weren't they?
I was sorting through the mail today when I came across two adult continuing education course catalogs. Usually, I just recycle these without ever looking at them. I think the last time I actually looked at one of these catalogs and subsequently took a course was back in the late-90s.
Jean's Adult Continuing Education Flashback Tangent: I believe it was in 1998; and I took a course on how to write a screenplay. The course text book was the "The Art of Dramatic Writing" by Lajos Egri, which still sits on my bookshelf. The class was in Cambridge, which was a good commute from where I lived.
I remember at the first class, the instructor went around the room asking each student what she or he thought about several different movies. For example, she asked, "Chinatown, what did you think of that?" Then, she'd go around in a circle, asking each student to make a comment. Finally, it was "Pulp Fiction, what did you think of that?" After speaking to seven people, each giving it an enthusiastic thumbs way up, it was my turn.
It was one of those situations in life, where I felt that if you were in a Rome, you had to review the movie as the rest of the Romans did; and in this case, I wondered if those seven Romans really liked the movie or if they were just saying so, because everyone knew "Pulp Fiction" was brilliant, um, yeah, right. But, it was a rare occasion in my life, where I thought "Screw it," and I said, "I disliked it immensely." It was funny, because then, instead of throwing me to the lions, the Roman Empress said, "Me, too!" Everyone looked at her rather shocked, and I sat there and smiled, thinking, well, besides me, there was one other person in the world who didn't like that movie.
Our first writing assignment was to write a scene based on an overhead conversation. Ah, and guess what? I still have that writing assignment; well, it helps to locate such a thing when it's been stuffed into the course text book for the last ten or so years.
I remember that three days before class I hadn't overhead any good conversations. One of my friends told me about meeting up with an ex-girlfriend, and I asked him if I could use his conversation as the basis for my scene; he agreed, well, as long as I changed the names to protect the romantically involved or not involved as the case may have been then.
[Scene: Nick and Betsy having drinks in a bar]
Nick: So, how’s your life going? How’s Bob?
Betsy: Actually, I called him today. I realized that, after last night, because of you and I being together again, I had to tell him that he and I have to get divorced finally.
Nick: Oh, really. Is he working?
Betsy: He’s doing some consulting. Talking to him was a strange thing – weird [she shudders]. But, I know what I have to do. I should have done it already. [She looks at Nick for his reaction]. I know. I know.
Nick. Well, you’ve been separated for seven years. Seven, that’s right, isn’t it?
Betsy: Yes, seven.
Nick: I think for your own sake that you would want to, I don’t know, resolve it.
Betsy: And it’s not that I think, that is, I don’t want you to that that I’m assuming anything should happen or would happen between us again because of last night. I just want to resolve things with him. I’ve come to realized that we had something good together.
Nick: I think regardless of everything else you should just want to do it. Do it for yourself.
Betsy: Yeah, I know. But being with you again…I didn’t know what I had until I lost it. I messed up, and I’m sorry. I wasn’t committed to the relationship. I admit I wasn’t being…well, you’re a really good person. You really are. With everything else we had, I somehow managed to overlook that. I’m sorry, but the last couple of years have been really bad for me. I mean, I’ve dated other people, and I’ve just overlooked that. You’re a really good person. I was so stupid. I’m so sorry, and I do love you.
Nick: The fact that I hung around for five years should tell you that I love you, too. But, I want you to know that it was a very painful experience for me, especially the way you ended it. You kept telling me you’d divorce him. Then, when I asked you to move in, you moved in with your mother. Well, what do you think that said to me?
Betsy: I know, but this time it’s going to be different. I’m really glad that we’re talking about this. I called him today, because I realized that I don’t want to mess things up again. I mean, there’s no reason, or I’ve got no reason or whatever, to think that things can be like they were between us. But, I don’t want to lose you again, even if we’re just friends. I don’t want to lose you, because it’s been a lonely two years without you. Dating other people made me realize how good I had it. [Long pause] And you? How’s your life…that person you were seeing?
Nick: I went out with someone for about six weeks. And she…
Betsy: No. I don’t want to know.
Nick: No. I want to tell you.
Betsy: You don’t have to tell me, and I really don’t want to know.
Nick: Other than that one person that was as close to another relationship as I got. I dated two other people. My point is that I’ve had a difficult time with it. Because I’ve loved you all along. I hung in there with you for a long time. It’s really difficult for me to believe what you say about getting divorced and being committed to me again.
[From the bar, someone is overheard saying, “I know that guy, and he’s really fucked up.”
Nick: Hey, I think they’re talking about me over there. [Laughs]
After that, I survived two or three more commutes to class, and then I gave up going. I think that to undertake anything like this, or most things, it helps to be into them. At that point, I was swamped in relationship issues, and my mind was definitely elsewhere.
Also, while I liked the Empress for disliking "Pulp Fiction," it was her once-a-class mention that she and Madonna's sister were BFFs that drove me over the edge. I think it definitely lessened her screenwriter creds with me. Sure, if she had been BFFs with John Hughes, Paddy Chayefsky, Oliver Stone or was even the grand niece of Orson Welles, but BFFs with Madonna's sister?! Who is Madonna's sister anyway?!
So, when the catalogs arrived today, I thought it might be time to somewhat consider President Obama's Educational Stimulus plan. No. I was not ready to change my career to one that was "hot" like healthcare. God, I was one of those people who had no business being in healthcare. When I skinned my knee on the rocks at Hanauma Bay, I almost passed out in the Pacific Ocean at the sight of my own blood; Suzebabe can attest to that.
Before I opened the first catalog, I expected to see the usual course titles -- "Knitting for Ninnies," "Spanish I," "Microsoft Excel in an Evening," and "Do-It-Yourself-Root-Canals." Well, I was thinking it'd be the usual stuff that "Adult Continuing Education" is so often made of.
Whoa, was I wrong! Apparently, things had changed quite a bit in the last 10 years. It was now, what couldn't you study on four consecutive Thursday nights for $90 with a $5 registration fee?! I was mesmerized when I poured through the pages; I had found at least 36 ways to occupy my Fall and Winter nights!
ZUMBA - Join the Party!
Is it just me or does this sound like an exercise craze that the Teletubbies may have started? Or does it involved running around a room with a remote in your hand trying to dance with your Roomba, err, Zumba being the ballroom dancing perk of owning said robotic device?
Getting Paid to Talk - An Introduction to Professional Voice-Acting
Getting paid to talk? Where had this profession been all my life? Jeez, if I had started this when I was two-years-old, I would be Madonna's BFF by now, never mind her sister, whoever she is!
Basics of Tea
How complex is tea?
You get the bag out of the box, throw it in a cup of boiling water, and voila!
Learn How to Blog
Been there, done that, and it's not that hard.
Next, please!
Knitting Hats & Mittens
When I saw this, I thought, "I should learn how to knit." It's not like I really want to learn how to knit, but doesn't every woman feel that knitting urge at some point in her life? I remember when my Mom tried to teach me (and I won't say "taught me" because I was totally unsuccessful) how to knit when I was 10 or so. The first thing I knitted was a bright green scarf.............for my cat, Jerry! Hey, even with a fur coat, you can still get cold, especially when my Dad kept the thermostat at 62 degrees every night during the energy crunch of the 70s.
Quick & Easy Stress Reduction Techniques for the Workplace
I bet you that this one sells out!
Shower Singing in Public
When I first read this, I expected the course description to read, "Learn solid vocal concepts in a hands-on clothes-off environment. Meet at the stall showers in the school locker room." But, no, it said this, "Each student will receive a 42-page booklet of vocal exercises and a 60-minute practice CD for follow-up home study." Jeez, at least, the instructor could have thrown in a soap-on-a-rope!
Installing Crown Molding and Trim
When I first bought my house, my friend and co-worker, Jim, went with me to Home Depot to help me get a new counter top; the house was a total wreck when I bought it. I remember my friend, Liz, telling me that after she saw the upstairs bathroom that she thought, "Oh, poor Jean!" The woman I bought the house from had done nothing to it (other than put in new windows) for 20 years.
Jim had measured everything for me in regard to the counter, so all I had to do was pick out the counter top, and then wait for Home Depot to install it. While there, Jim thought I should pick up a few things, so I could start some home projects on my own, like dry walling over the horsehair plaster walls. At the time, I thought, "Yeah, I can do that!" but as Jim and I put the blue tape and the huge plastic container of goop (yeah, there's some more construction-appropriate term for this goop) in my shopping cart, I was beginning to think (no, more like kid myself), "Yeah, I can do that!" As a house warming present, Jim gave me a "Fix-it Yourself" house manual. Err, the last time I saw that book, it was in March on the bookcase in the Nantucket house. Shhhhh, don't tell Jim!
Anyway, at 47 years old, I know I prefer to have someone else do my taxes and to do my home repair for me! So, when I read this course description, no, it was never up for consideration; however, it made me chuckle for a bit about the previously mentioned events.
Introduction to Welding
Okay, the handle bars on my mountain bike came undone from the stem thingy a few years ago, and it looks like that to remedy this, it should be welded. Should I spend $330 to do it myself? Oh, plus I have to invest in safety glasses. Yet again, this is something I never would think of doing, but the course description was very inviting. "If you ever wanted to try your hand at welding...." It almost sounds like welding is as easy as knitting your cat a scarf!
Three Peasant Soups: Italian Wedding, Pasta Fagiolo, Stretch-a-Belly
Trio of Soups: Cream of Broccoli, Beef Barley, & Italian Ragout
New England Clam "CHOWDA"
THREE classes entirely devoted to soup! Apparently, soup is to the 21-century what fondue was to the 70s!
Chicken Fabrication
So, what did you think when you read this? I thought it was a class about how to build a chicken from the beak down. Lego chickens? Okay, I don't watch the Food Network at all, and if I did, I would know that fabricating a chicken means that you are "cutting a chicken into its recognizable parts." Upon further reading, this is a skill that can save you money. "Fabricate it yourself and save money and utilize the entire chicken." In some places, they eat chicken feet. Err, no, thanks!
MP3 Players (iPods) & iTunes
I'm not the most technical person in the world, and I'm not the least, but a class for this? Okay, maybe I was being too hard on the less technical. Surely, in various frazzled states the last few months, I had posed some pretty stupid questions to one of my friends.
"My external hard drive is NOT showing up in Windows Explorer!"
To which he responded, "Unplug it and then plug it back in."
Okay, that worked.
"My wireless isn't working!"
To which he responded, "Is your wireless button on?"
Oops! I turned it back on. Okay, that worked.
"I keep tripping over my sneaker laces!"
To which he responded. "Jean, tie your sneaker laces!"
Okay, that last bit was untrue, but I guess I do understand how sometimes technology, even the simple stuff, can throw you for a loop when you're a newbie or just a tad frazzled.
Basic Dog Obedience
I gave up on this long ago. People, like Bill, think cats have minds of their own, well, Monty does, too. Okay, maybe the poor guy has been around three cats for so long that he has adapted the cat attitude, and that is why when I tell him to get out of my herb bed, he looks at me and laughs. But, Steve, he's so cute. You know you want him, and he'll look so good on the sailboat!
Strategies for Winning at Craps
"Have you ever wondered what all that shouting at the craps table was all about? Have you ever wanted to play craps, but never understood the game?"
Nope!
Beginners Swing
When I first read this, well, I read it wrong. You know how when you look at something, you read it, and then you say to yourself, "What was that?!?!?!!?" Yeah, well, anyway, when I read this, it was as "Beginning Swingers." I thought, "Wow, this adult continuing education is really, err, reaching out to adults now!"
Anyway, while many of the courses looked interesting, I will continue on with "Find a New Technical Writing Job in a Year or Less" and "Riding the Rail Trail in a Fierce and Psycho Manner." <3
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