Delete the Bitch!

I worked this past Saturday and Sunday. I did this because I was given a somewhat ridiculous deadline. I should have pushed back, but I didn't; I thought I could do it all, and I think the guy I work for thought so too, because of my damn notebook.

Note to self: Put Wonder Woman notebook in drawer, lock drawer, and throw away the key.



Use pink Hello Kitty notebook which says "super cute" instead of "super powers."



When I arrived at work on Saturday, the parking lot was pretty deserted. If truth be told, I really liked working when no one else was around. I knew I wasn't anti-social, because we all know "social" is one of my many middles names when it isn't "Marie, Pink, Lemond, Cookie Cutter, Chardonnay, Champagne, Feline, Party, Crane Beach, or apropos."

I wondered if it was that I needed total silence to really concentrate or if I felt less stressed and more at ease knowing I was the only one working. That is, no engineers were changing more code or filing more documentation bugs; thus, their world ceased on Friday at 5pm, well, for most of them, so I could catch up. It was a similar feeling to when I was working full-time and often wanted the entire world to stop for a day, so I could “Clean the refrigerator, organize 90 years of photographs, paint the bathroom, sleep peacefully for an hour, and teach Monty sign language.”

When I arrived at my office on the third floor, it was in near total darkness. I flipped my desk light on. It was time to search for those elusive light switches that were usually found in large groups living on a wall in some well-hidden corner of the spacious third floor.

So, I said, "Here lights, lights. Come out, come out wherever you are!" I randomly turned right out of my office and thought, "Now, if I were a light switch where would I be?" Light Switch Hunter that I am, I found them in under a minute!

Okay, that's a lie. Just as I was about to attempt to see the light, a man with a floor polishing machine appeared. I said, "Where are the lights?" He said, "Oh," walked off, and then I heard click-click-click-click-click. I was totally out of the darkness; well, I was literally; I'm still wondering about that figuratively.

I sat down at my desk, booted up my laptop, and looked at the pile of papers I had before me; I’d definitely be here for a while. Strangely, after about 30 minutes, I began to hear voices; no, they weren’t the ones in my head, real or imagined! Suddenly, it was as if it was Monday on Saturday on the third floor; when the CFO walked by, I knew something was up.

Just then I recalled that we were going through an audit. As one of my friends said who used to work at the company, when weren’t we going through an audit. I did have an auditor sitting across from me, until he mysteriously didn’t show up for work last Monday.

A few days later, a woman began to occupy his office. There was no explanation of what happened to the auditor; okay, I didn’t really ask what happened to him. But when left to my own Law & Order and CSI devices, I strangely went sci-fi with a twist and thought Body Snatchers, Coma, and then Tootsie! I told you it was strange.

Anyway, it became apparent that I was not the only one working on Saturday; I was actually kind of peeved. This audit was invading my reign over the entire third floor of work; though, when I thought about, the success of this audit ensured the deposit of my paycheck. Umm, err, go forth and audit, hell ya!

Actually, it was time for a deep thought then. My company was not that large, and when I thought about it, it amazed me how companies put every bit and piece together and became successful. I could never do it; thus, this was why I would never be a CEO of a company and would always remain Princess of my own small country, even if that country only happened to be my desk chair.

I got back to work after I chanted, “Go, Finance people, go!” While I loved being back at my company, it was hard being my own department of one. One of my friends asked, “So, when you work 8 hours, do you work the whole 8 hours?” I said, "Yeah!"

Of course, I was a contract employee and felt that there was no room for any goofing off, except 5 minutes here to check my personal email or 5 minutes there to see if anyone googled something interesting (say like “travel mugs black and white,” “Ziggy Wesolowski,” or “watching mommy go potty”) and came upon my blog. Believe me, after the second week, I was so looking to spend a bit more time socializing; however, I had no one to socialize with. I longed for Brenda, Nancy, Sarah, Chuck, or Jeff to stop by my office and chat about anything other than work.

As I plodded through my changes to my User Guide, I noticed something. Actually, it reminded me of something Nancy had told me only a few months ago. When you spend a lot of time by yourself, well, yourself begins to be the person you talk to.

Even though there were others around me, I noticed I began to get a bit vocal. When something didn’t seem to work as documented in the software, I’d say in a low voice, "Well, that's just not right!" Surprised by the fact that I spoke out loud, I’d freeze, listen to see if anyone might be near my cubicle, and then I’d be relieved when I heard off in the distance “Well, if we sold those services in that quarter, then the books need to reflect that” instead of “Did you notice that tall blonde woman is talking to herself!”

As the day progress, I began to get more chatty with myself. A web page would display, and I’d ask it, “Why are you lookin’ like that?” A button would appear, I’d click it, and then I’d say, “Oh, so that’s what you’re for.”

I knew I had reached a point of no return when I created a user group. I was trying to figure out how to add and delete users. Thinking I'd have to take a screen capture, I deleted the username I had created for myself, which showed my real work email.

I went to delete me. I paused, clicked Delete, and I said out loud and defiantly, "Delete the bitch!" I then giggled uncontrollably.

Somehow being a department of one had given me someone to talk to – myself; it had also given me a new found sense of bold. After I deleted myself, I paused, stopped to listen, and I didn’t hear anyone say, “What the hell is she doing over there?!?!?!?” Once I knew the coast was clear, I giggled uncontrollably again and smiled; I was the department for now, and I could only hope to giggle uncontrollably with someone else soon. ♥