Have You Seen Me?

In the midst of being very caught up in my old-new job, I had somehow lost track of my seventeen-year-old son, Nathan. Well, I hadn’t really lost track. It was really beginning to feel like he had somehow gotten misplaced though not intentionally.



Since Nathan and I had both been working over 40 hours a week for the last couple of weeks, we seemed to see each other only occasionally. In fact, I texted Nathan once last week asking, “Will I ever see you play your X-box again?!” It seemed that our schedules had us only saying “Hi,” “Bye,” or “Work’s okay” to each other.

Today, I estimated that in the last two weeks, I had seen him for about 3 hours at most. Well, he had been in his room while I was trying to sleep to the soothing sounds of his IM going “bonk-bonk” or his text messages going “beep-beep.” Or, I was awake and he was just a big lump under his red and blue comforter.

Despite the lack of contact, he always checked in. Unfortunately, it was mostly to tell me that he was going to be anywhere but home. He was either going to be at work, the card store in Lowell, or sleeping over a friend’s house.

It was nice that he was now working and that my first question wasn’t always, “Do you need some money?” Though, as of late, I felt a bit pathetic. I always wanted my first question to be, “When am I going to see you again?” but I restrained myself.

It’s was a crazy parental conundrum. You drive them all around and wait for the day that they can drive themselves. That day comes, and you dwell in the sweet sound of them jingling the car keys in their hands along with the fact that they now can now go to the grocery store, pick up siblings, and repay your for all your years of service as shopper and chauffer. But, they really have the last laugh.

Very gradually, they slip away. You’re too busy enjoying your new-found freedom from chauffering that you don’t even notice. Believe me, they plan it this way; eventually, they take the car keys and don’t return except for occasional visits so they can tell you “I love you,” and “By the way, I need $1000 for my trip to Hungary!”

I have to admit, I was truly amazed by the way Nathan was getting along. He was doing well at work, making his own money (though, I had my doubts if he was saving much of it), and he was finding time to do what he enjoyed. For seventeen years old, he seemed to have it all figured out; he was independent, resourceful, and responsible, and I couldn’t ask for much more than that, well, besides maybe a B in English this Fall instead of a C.

No matter how well he was doing, I found I still longed to have a hand in his life. I knew I always would somehow. Lately, I figured out that it may only be my hand touching his back when I went to say “Bye,” as he left for work, school, a friend’s, or the Magic card store.

Usually, Nate stays with me every Tuesday and Wednesday night. This Tuesday night, he asked (and at least, he still asks) to stay at his friend’s house. They were having a LAN party, and I said, "Sure."

When I was about to leave work last night, I got a text message from Nathan. The instant I caught a glimpse of “I love you,” I knew Nathan was exercising his right to be the United Person of Nathan. I sighed, because I knew it meant a “Hi” and a “Bye.”

His text said, “I love you so much. Can I got to Higglesbottom’s later tonight?” I said, “Sure. Where are you now? Can I wash your work clothes? Are you stopping by home first?” Nathan responded, “I’m at home. No, you can’t. And, technically, I am stopping by home.”

I laughed out loud. I was a bit sad, and then I realized something about getting older. No matter how much I kidded, it really didn’t bother me that I was getting older; it only bothered me that Nathan was getting older.

Tonight, Iz asked me if Liam liked being kissed; not knowing Liam’s true feelings, I said, “Sure,” because doesn't everyone like to be kissed? Sometimes I thought I was crazy for having a baby at 41, but these days, I am consoled knowing that while my hand is only on Nathan’s back now, my hands are still the ones that drive Iz everywhere (school, camp, the beach, and the mall), wash and fold her clothes, brush and braid her hair, clean her sometimes disaster area room, make her lunch, rub her forehead when she's sick, pat her back when she can't sleep, and hold her tight when the sailboat heels. ♥