My Grocery Horoscope

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I am beginning to think that I have too much time to think. Yes, just a little over a year ago, I had no time to think, which was obvious, because I was putting my underwear on inside out. But now, I am beginning to analyze things way too much like today at the grocery store. Well, it’s got to be a combination of too much time and too many episodes of Law & Order and CSI!

As an aside, did you know that my first job was working as a cashier at a grocery store? It was at the First National supermarket in Sudbury. Doesn’t First National sound more like the name of a bank than a supermarket?

In my town, once you could work, you had a few major choices. You could work at a supermarket (First National or Star Market) or at a restaurant (Friendly’s or Brigham’s). There were other places like the Fashion Barn*, but the supermarkets and the restaurants always seemed to have the most jobs available.

*My Mom affectionately called this The Shit Pit. Tunabreath worked there. And, actually, it was a great discount clothing store.

The Food Service industry never spoke to me, so I opted for the world of Consumer Packaged Goods. Actually, First National was a fine but dingy little market; if you were really lucky, you got to work at the more upscale Star Market. They had the onsite Osco pharmacy, their store was larger, and their smocks were way more more fashionable.

I remember going through my rigorous cashier training at First National. I had a workbook, which required me to review basic math and manners. I took my training in the dingy little “break room” of the dingy store.

To get to the break room, you had to walk all the way to the back of the store, open a set of swinging doors, which revealed the even dingier underbelly of the store, and then climb a flight of stairs. When you opened the door to the break room, the 5’ by 8’ cell with no windows contained a rickety table with four chairs that didn’t match and the walls were plastered with propaganda posters (“Service with a Smile”) and standard government notices. (I had been in Star Market’s break room; it was bright, large, and I’m pretty sure they had matching chairs for their table!)

The most unique thing about that job was that I had to join a union. I think it was the first and last time in my life that I belonged to a union. Unless, of course, we women banded together recently and formed a union demanding equal time with the TV remote, five days of lying on the couch with the TV remote for a scratchy throat, and the right to ignore piles of laundry that need washing. Yeah, I didn’t think that happened yet!

Anyway, I had to join the meat cutter’s union, which is now the UFCW. I laughed then. Doesn’t the meat cutter’s union seem like a funny thing to join when you’re punching buttons on a cash register? I also was a bit peeved, because if I had to join any union then, it would have been the ILGWU, because they had that GREAT jingle! (I love some of my vintage clothes just because of that label.)

Once I passed my training, I was ready to do that whole “Service is a Smile” thing with my cash register. This was back in the day when cash registers still had dollar amounts on them and long before UPC scanners. Well, items had codes on them then, but, for some reason, it took us 20 years to figure out how to use them with scanners.

I remember my Mom coming home from shopping and putting all the bags on the table. My sister and I would start to unpack them and play grocery store, pretending to use a cash register; see, I was destined for cashier greatness but just not at Macy’s!

One day, I pointed to a UPC code and asked my Mom, “What’s this?” She said, “Someday, they won’t need price tags on things anymore; they’ll be able to figure out the price of an item from that barcode.” My sister and I both gasped and said, “Wow. Really?”

I didn’t stay at First National too long. Marcia came along and saved me. She got me a job at Thayer Pharmacy where there was no ugly smock to wear, no dingy break room, and no union to join, though I still liked to hum the ILGWU jingle from time to time.

One of the jobs I liked best in the last 20 years was one I had at IRI Software. I have no idea if they still exist as a company, but I wrote documentation for a space management application. Yes, it would tell you how to position your products on the grocery store shelf; believe it or not, it's an art and a science!

Did you ever wonder why you run into a grocery store for a gallon of milk and leave with 10 other things? The milk isn’t at the back of the store because they want you to get more exercise, hello?!?! Then there are those Nilla Wafers and the seasonal candy items (like Peeps!), on the end caps that look innocent, but they’re not.

They’ve thrown themselves in front of your shopping carriage not because they want to end it all. No, they want you to feel sorry for them, swoop them up into your cart, and buy them. Little did you know that a supermarket is almost as bad as any casino in Las Vegas!

Anyway, I went to the grocery store today to pick up a few things. Did you know that a grocery store is a good place to catch up on current world events? After today’s visit, I know that Elin has a painful choice, Oprah’s having a baby boy at 56, Whitney Houston is dying, Jen and Jessica were stabbed in the heart by John Mayer, and Jake made a mistake. I don’t get out much. Who the heck is Jake?!

As I was standing there in the 14 items or less line wondering who Jake could possibly be, I watched the person in front of me put his items down on the conveyor belt. Do you ever notice what other people buy when you’re at the store? Sometimes, if you think about it, like I did today, it can be an odd assortment of things.

Unless you're doing you’re a huge once-a-week shopping trip, which I never manage to do, it seems that more often than not you go into the grocery store to pick up a few things and come out with 5 other unrelated things. And, today, I began to wonder what this odd assortment of grocery items said about the person purchasing them. Could it be a grocery store horoscope of sorts?

The man in front of me had two packages of chicken breasts, Weight Watchers Chocolate cake, deodorant, a box of prunes, and one lime. All those things don't seem so odd, but one lime? Why does anyone buy just one lime?

I can see buying one apple if you’re going to snack on it on the way home but just one lime? It had me thinking, “What does someone do with just one lime?” Is that for two gin and tonics? Is it the substitute for the “key lime” in a pie? Is it for one of those at-home facials he probably read about in Sports Illustrated?

By then, two more people had gotten in line behind me. The woman right behind me had a bottle of 409 spray cleaner and a pound of sugar; I thought, it’s her week to tend to the kitchen at work. The man behind her had two packages of chocolate chip cookies, a gallon of Vienna Mocha Chunk ice cream, and a two liter bottle of diet Schweppes ginger ale; I thought, he’s only giving up sugar in carbonated drinks for Lent!

I looked down at what I was buying. My items included cat litter, cat box deodorizer, cat food, and one whoopee pie filled with neon pink cream. Okay, we all know what that says about me. I’m destined to be one of those old women with a sweet tooth who dies alone with 20 cats! ♥

What Was Your First Job Note: Leave a comment and tell me what your first job was and any memories you have of it good or bad. Remember, I tell you stories, and I love hearing yours, and I’m sure everyone else would, too. Don't email it. Be daring, be bold, and leave a comment! (And, if you were fortunate enough to have worked at stellar Star Market or Macy's, I so don’t want to hear about it! Just kidding...please, tell me your story!)