Those Three Little Words

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A few days ago, I heard those three little words. Unfortunately, I said them to myself. And, more unfortunately, the words I said were, “I am lonely.”

I know I’m not really alone; I’m far from it when I look back at last week, especially last Friday. It was a different kind of alone. In this case, the answer was not a phone call or a lunch date away; the answer seemed like it was hiking Mount Everest away.

Most of the time, I find that when I need to really think about things, I need to do it on my own and in my own time. Most of my friends know this about me. When I need to dwell on something that’s bothering me, I don’t hang out in the Mall of America.

I hole myself up in a studio apartment on Pitcairn Island. No one is an island. But, sometimes I need to live like a Survivor on an island for a bit in order in order rescue myself and land back on the shores of the continent once again.

I decided that I need to beach. I probably needed to bitch, too, but I usually beach before I bitch. A trip to Crane Beach was in order.

Like me, Iz loves the beach. Okay, there are many things my daughter loves just as much as I do like shoes, clothes, Sephora, small furry animals, and office supplies. God, I love her.

Anyway, for about 5 seconds this morning, I thought, “Oh, I should let Iz skip school and go to the beach with me.” I heard a voice; no, it wasn’t Sarah Jessica Parker this time. It was my voice, and I said, “Nah. You need to beach. Take her on the weekend.”

I felt a bit guilty this morning when she asked me if I was going to bike with Bill. I responded, “Um, maybe.” While she ate her cereal and watched a movie on her DVD player, I wanted to pack the cooler with Fresca, make my tuna fish sandwich, and find the sunscreen; however, I knew those actions would lead to “Mommy, are you going to the beach……..without me?!?!?!?”

I kept my cool, though I was furiously making a mental Things I Need to Do Before Leaving for the Beach checklist. After I dropped Iz off at school, I opened the front door of the house, and I sprinted down to the basement (cooler), upstairs (beach bag, bathing suit, towel, and beach mat) and then back downstairs to the kitchen (Fresca, tuna fish sandwich, and sun screen). In under 20 minutes, I had everything I needed to beach.

After an hour and twenty minute trip, I arrived at my favorite beach. Okay, I did love a few beaches in Hawaii; however, Crane was my favorite beach in my own backyard. Actually, I think my favorite beach is the Cape Cod National Seashore, but it wasn’t in realistic driving distance; well, it might have been if picking up Iz at 5:30 was not on my agenda!

When I arrived at Crane, I realized that I was not the only person who thought it was a beach day.



I first thought, “Wow, it must be Unemployed Persons Day to Bitch at the Beach Day!” Once on the beach, I realized that every senior, both those over 65 and those who had just graduated from high school or college, had the same idea as me. In that moment, I wished it was 1984 or 2029, because I wanted to be a Senior and not unemployed.

As I sat there waiting to pay my admission, I looked closer at the car ahead of me. Do you see the left hand and foot out the window?



Who drives a car like this? Obviously, it must be an automatic. And I really wanted to meet the driver!

Once I had paid my admission, I walked to the far end of the beach to be alone. At 1pm, people started to plunk down their towels, coolers, and boom boxes near me. I sat up and looked around; most of those around me, were under 25, and just then, I wished that the beach had a “quiet” car.

The group to the left of me blared Eminen and chain smoked. One of the individuals in the group to the right of me said, “He’s a scumbag if you don’t know him. When he’s your friend, he’d do anything for you.” I won’t even tell you about the tampon comment; after that, I thought that the beach definitely needed zones like the Acela.

Actually, when I plunked myself down initially, I made sure no one was around, because I hadn’t shaved my legs in a week. I knew I need the Somewhat Hairy Leg Zone. When I thought about it, the guys I cycled with shaved their legs more than I did!

After three hours of just being, I packed up my things. As I trudged up the walkway, I was reminded of something one of my friends had said to me recently. She said, “Snap out of it.”

By the time my feet hit the hot sand by the walkway, I think I had. I was planning my evening with Iz; when she and I were together, she called it “girl time.” I didn’t want to be late for our “girl time.”

When I got into the car, I played my Earth, Wind and Fire CD; I hadn’t listened to it in ages. When “Sing a Song” came on, I was on Route 128 South with all four windows and the sunroof open; I turned up the volume and sang at the top of my lungs. I wasn’t alone then; I was only reminded that the best thing about being lonely is finding the best friend in yourself.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

When I pulled up at Iz’s after school program, she was running around on the lawn. She saw me and went to gather all her things. As she approached, she carried her backpack, an arts and crafts project, and a plant; when she climbed inside, she handed me her plant and said, “I love you.” And those were the three little words that I longed to hear the most today. ♥

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