Let Your Troubles Roll By

As some of you know, my son, Nathan, and I have had a friend-unfriend you relationship on Facebook. Some people tell me it’s stellar that Nate and I are friends at all. In the last two years, I have been added by Nate, deleted by Nate, added by Nate again, deleted myself, and then added by Nate again.

Today, I’m officially his “Mother” on his page. Of course, one of his friends, Matt, is listed as his father. So, I might be kidding myself by thinking that I’m special given Nate’s Facebook “Father” status.

Though, if truth be told, I’m the only biological parent that is Nathan’s friend. He deleted his Dad, Quinn, the bad cop. For some reason, and I’m still trying to figure out why it is, I’ve survived all these months despite my inquisitive presence in his life, which has occurred periodically and with issue.

I was deleted for stalking initially, but it’s so not stalking when he’s my friend. Legally and friend-wise, I am entitled to see his friend updates. So, when I read a post, I’m not a stalker, I’m a friend and a mother; though, so often, the mother part outweighs the friend part in the level of concern that occurs when reading a post.

Anyway, I saw last night’s post which was “F*ck,” and then he posted Carbon Leaf’s “Let Your Troubles Roll By.” So, I texted as nonchalantly as I could today and asked, “So, is everything okay?”

He said, “Meh. It’s okay.” Okay, what the hell does “Meh” mean?! My new Droid phone had an annoying spell checker; sometimes when Nathan texted me I felt that I needed a just as annoying Babelfish translator when it came to interpretting Nathan.

So, I went to Babelfish. There was an every-language-known-in-the-universe-to-English translation option. I tell you, Babelfish could make millions if there was an 18-year-old to English translator.

I said, “Okay, just checking.” I let an hour go by and then I called. I asked, “Are you sure everything’s okay?”

He responded, “Yeah.” Then I pushed it and I asked, “Are you sure?” If that question were in a comic book, it would have been bold, italicized, and underlined.

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Okay, well, as long as you know, that I’m here for you and you can talk to me whenever….” Suddenly, a ring back tone started playing on Nathan’s end of the line.

I knew I was about to get shut down and pretended not to interpret Nathan’s tone; thus, I threw out the desperation question, which was, “Is it about a girl?” The ring back tone became louder.

Oh, no, wait, it wasn’t a ring back tone! It was Nathan saying, “La-la, la-la-la, Mom, you’re overstepping boundaries, la-la-la, la-la!” Obviously, he knew I had read his FB posts.

In my defense, it is there out in the open for me to read. Yeah, well, in hindsight, maybe I should have let the conversation end after he said, “Yes,” but call me a mother 24/7. I said, “Okay, I get it.”

I then asked when he was working next; he told me Tuesday and Wednesday nights. After five seconds of silence, I did what I knew I had to and said, “Okay, so see you Tuesday. I love you.” And, I hung up before he could even respond.

As I sat there on the couch, I realized something for the very first time. Parenting was difficult, and it never became any easier. As Nate got older, it would only become more difficult, because then I really had no control over his body (tattoos, piercings, and anything else), the car he might drive, the person he dated, or how often he visited me.

Though, Nate might think it was, parenting was never a meh. I would love him always, yet, as time went on, I knew I'd have him in my life less and love him even more. Being a parent was anything but meh.

Parenting was really a hem (that's "meh" backwards) and a haw. I would hesitate and sometimes falter. Or I would falter and sometimes hesitate, but no matter, I would always love him and never ever let my haw and hem resolve to meh where it concerned him. ♥