Are You Happy or Sad?

I have a friend, and like most good friends, we share the ups and downs in our lives. Over time, when either of us hits a bad spot, we try to cheer the other one up. Sometimes when we were both in a down place, it was hard to find some encouraging words to say to the other that hadn’t already been said.

At one point, he said to me, “Hang in there!” A few minutes later, he sent me an e-mail and said, “Well, that was really trite. I'm sorry.” I thought about it more and responded that indeed most might think “Hang in there” was a trite phrase; however, at the time, it was exactly what I really had to do in my life. His sentiment was perfect, and I uttered to myself the trite “Simple is, as simple does.”

I’m sure another friend might have said, “You should do ABC, go to DEF, and then call GHI and say JKL,” but in the moment, all I really needed to do was hang in there. The expression wasn’t really trite then. It was so very true, appreciated, and much abbreviated.

At the time, I was unemployed. It was far easier to think “Hang in there,” while riding my bike than “I need to do ABC, go to DEF, call GHI and say JKL.” And, after 30 or 40 miles of biking, “Hang in there” was most helpful when trying to make it up the last l-o-n-g hill on my street.

As many of you know, I, like many other people, was laid off from my job in 2009. I spent 14 months without a job; however, I became to understand quite tritely that “Everything happens for a reason,” when I realized every other week during those 14 months, that it was fun not to work. Not only was it fun, but it was truly a wonderful experience being a full-time Mom for the first time in my life.

I got to spend time on a razor scooter with my daughter, Iz. I got to teach my son, Nathan, how to drive, and I spent more time on my bike than I had ever during my life, including in my younger days when I was racing. Of course, as I said, every now and then, financial insecurity got the best of me, and no matter how much I liked being at home, I missed having a job.

The job search was much like looking for a needle in a haystack when it didn’t put me in trite mode making me think “Nothing’s ever easy.” When I wasn’t feeling badly about being scrutinized because I did not have a hyphen between “Hewlett” and “Packard” on my resume, I was feeling like a cast-off from “Survivor” when I didn’t get the third interview after surviving the first two. Of course, the ultimate blow was when Macy’s rejected me as a cosmetics representative when I lived and breathed Sephora.

I’ve never shopped at Macy's the same way again. While I have shopped there, it's just not in the same way. When I saunter pass the Estee Lauder counter now, I stick my tongue out at the lipstick display. I stop at the Clinique counter, try on a bunch of things, wasting 30 minutes of the cosmetic representative's time, and then walk away saying, “No, thanks. I’m not interested in any of your products.”

When I was finally offered a contract job by the company that laid me off last June, I didn’t have to think twice. Well, I did for about five minutes, because as you all know “When it rains, it pours.” I had a second interview for a permanent job that was an hour away from my house, and I had a contract job opportunity at my old company which was 20 minutes away from my house.

Unemployment was difficult, but it also gave me tremendous perspective on just about everything. When I wasn’t thinking, “Carpe diem,” I was thinking, “A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.” So, when I pondered both opportunities, I came to the conclusion that “Life was too short…to be driving two hours a day.”

It was also an easy choice to make, because while my company laid me off, I still liked my company and the people who worked there very much. I was going back to perform a different job and with new people; however, the job was like putting on a pair of your favorite jeans (comfortable) that had just been washed (almost like brand new). They welcomed me back enthusiastically, and I was thrilled to be back.

Over time, I dealt with a lot of stressful deadlines, but I worked hard to meet them. Sometimes I was working weekends to complete a milestone, and friends asked me if I was getting paid overtime. I knew I couldn’t put in for overtime, because the position was 40 “regular” hours a week; however, my boss was always flexible letting me take time off if I worked extra hours. This worked out well when I had to pick a child up unexpectedly, wanted to attend a friend’s father’s funeral during the middle of the week, or wanted to go Christmas shopping with a friend.

Besides, I had always felt like my company did me a favor, even though they had laid me off. They had inadvertently prevented my life from moving forward, but they gave me fourteen months with my children, which I wouldn't have had otherwise. Not working made me feel good and working again made me feel just as good; they had flipped a switch, turned it off, and then turned it on, but it all worked for me.

The only drawback was that the job they offered me wasn’t permanent; I had a six-month contract. After six months, I didn’t know what was going to happen, and while I felt fortunate to have a job, it made planning my life difficult. There were rumors of permanent employment; however, it seemed they were treading water in a sea of politics and budgets.

Two weeks before my contract expired, I inquired about whether it would be extended. They couldn’t tell me my Fate until the budget was approved, which would be at the beginning of the year. When my contract expired on December 31st, I was told to ignore that minor detail and come to work anyway; they said they would still “Show me the money,” so I dutifully came into work on January 3rd.

The first week of January came and went. The board had met, the budget was approved, and I still didn’t have a contract. Part of me was upset, because I had no idea what my Fate would be, though I knew many people were trying to get me and my co-worker hired permanently. As the month progressed, my co-worker and I would light-heartedly kid each other about who would ask about our “status” next.

I knew the people who hired me weren’t taking it lightly. I was told countless times how much they valued me and wanted to me to be at the company permanently. In this case, it was going to take a village to raise a job offer, whatever the offer would be.

Along the way, I was always pleased to know that there was not one person rooting for me but several managers and most of the engineers I worked with. Even if it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, it was good to be loved. And, they were such good people.

In mid-January, I asked "Was no new no news?" Or was no news news that we would be increasing Massachusetts unemployment rate shortly? I was beginning to feel like that little kid in the Heinz commercial from long ago; if I had a theme song for January, this was it.

On sleepless nights, I toss and turned. Was Nathan going to college or would his college fund be paying my mortgage? Would Monty continue to light up my life by barking non-stop or would he be sold as a sled dog? And, was Iz ever going to say “remember” instead of “revember?!”

Finally, one day, my boss stopped by and said that we’d be hearing something shortly; it would be either Friday (last Friday) or early this week. He wouldn’t say exactly what we’d be hearing, but I assumed that “You’re no longer employed here” would have been out of the question given the slow and mysterious build-up over the whole employment question.

I spent the day at work on Friday waiting for my phone to ring or for someone familiar yet unfamiliar to walk by my cube and say, “Jean, can I speak to you for a moment?” For the first time in a long time, I didn’t want the familiar yet unfamiliar person to be George Clooney. Due to Iz’s Father-Daughter dance, I had to leave work early on Friday to attend to a manicure, make-up application, and a hair-do, which took priority over database summarization for once.

Due to the all the snowstorms and a looming deadline, I headed into work on Sunday to make up a few hours. Being a contract employee, I had no vacation time or sick time; however, I always allotted myself beer o’clock time. When I arrived in my cube, I saw my phone, which I largely ignored for most of the time I had been employed, was blinking; someone had left me a voicemail message.

I took off my jacket and hung it up, booted my laptop, and then I logged on. I stared at my phone, thinking that it was a wrong number or phone spam. I dialed the voicemail number, punched in my password, and then I listened to the message; it was the HR representative who wanted to speak to me about a position as a “regular employee” on Monday.

I shrieked only no sound came out. I then listened to the message four more times. I knew what it meant, a full-time job offer; however, after doubting myself for so long, I doubted the context of the message, wondering if I had somehow interpreted “regular employee” for “contract employee.”

I convinced myself that I was certain it was a permanent job offer. I texted and e-mailed 8 of my closest friends. When I wasn’t responding to congratulatory wishes, I sat there crying.

It had been a long road. In some ways, it had been an even longer road coming back to a company that had told me it didn’t need me anymore. No matter what had happened in the time I had been there, I always tried to have faith.

Actually, maybe it was the first time in my life that I was in a situation where I knew that I couldn’t do anything to control the outcome. I just had to have faith that something good would come from my good work. And, it did.

On Monday, I got into work early. I called the HR representative and said, “I’m here. I’m shining. You’ll have no problem finding me.” Okay, I didn’t say that; I left a very professional voicemail, and, yes, I can be professional when I’m not being goofy.

Once again, I waited for George Clooney, err, I mean the HR representative to call. I really wanted a cup of coffee, but I would kick myself if I left, and she called. Eventually, I had to pry myself away from my cube to leave for a meeting.

When I got back from the meeting, my phone wasn’t blinking. Of course, doubt got the best of me. Had they decided that they could not afford me and my co-worker? Had they gotten the video tape from the ATM machine where I had bared my breasts after two glasses of sake and a $60 withdrawal?

I sat there thinking about Heinz ketchup; anticipation was really making me wait now. At 2pm, I picked up the phone to call again; no, I didn’t want to appear too eager, and maybe she was busy. At 2:30, I started an e-mail to “touch base.” I deleted it.

At 2:45, I decided to send an e-mail. “Hi, it’s Jean. I was just touching base about your voicemail. I wasn’t sure if you were in or not today.” About 30 minutes later, a young man, familiar but unfamiliar but not George Clooney, appeared in front of my cube. He said, “Jean, I was asked to speak to you today; the regular HR representative had to travel today.”

Of course, I acted like he was someone from Facilities to change a light bulb in my cube; I was totally cool on the outside even if I was screaming silently on the inside. He asked if I knew where a free conference room was, and I led him to one not too far from my boss. We walked in, sat down, and he started to explain to me that the company wanted to offer me a permanent position.

I tried really hard to pretend he was still someone from Facilities changing my light bulb, but when he opened the folder and pulled out the official offer letter, I started to cry. I stared at it. I couldn’t really read “The company would like to offer you,” because all I could read was “We like you, we really, really like you, Jean.” As I cried, the poor guy looked befuddled and asked, “Are you happy or sad?”

I started to laugh, and then I said through tears, “So happy, you can’t even begin to understand.” I then condensed my 14 months of unemployment into forty-five seconds, and he then told me he understood. I don’t know if he really understood all my babbling, but it was nice of him to say that he did.

When I stopped babbling, he asked, “So, will you verbally accept this offer?” I probably looked at him like he had five heads. I then said, “Yes,” then I paused because I finally had a chance to use one of my favorite quotes of all time. I said, “You like me, you really, really like me!”

He looked puzzled. I then said, “You don’t know that Sally Field quote?” He shook his head “No,” and I decided it was time to reign in my emotion. I cleared my throat and then said, “Search for it on youtube."

When our meeting was over I left and immediately…didn’t know where to go as I clutched my “new employee” envelope. As if on auto-pilot, I went to my friend’s office. As I entered, he looked up and smiled, and I said, still in shock, “I’m an employee now!” He stood up, opened his arms, hugged me, and then I started to cry again.

I went home on Monday night and was greeted with cards, flowers, and a cake from Iz. Nathan’s first response to me was “RAV,” in that he was hoping that he would inherit my car now that I could afford to buy a new one. Fortunately, I know Nathan didn’t love me just for a ’01 Toyota RAV with 187,432 miles on it, though lately I've had my doubts!

When I arrived at work on Tuesday morning, it was odd. I wanted to run through the hallways and scream, “I’m back!!!!!” when everything there seemed so unchanged while my life had changed so much. I bumped into my friend, Lisa, who worked in the cafeteria, and she immediately asked, “So?”

I tried not to shriek, giggle, or raise my voice in the hallway. I said, “I have a permanent job here now. It’s ironic that the offer comes almost two years to the date that they laid me off.” Lisa said, “What comes around goes around,” and I said, “I was just going to say that!” Trite but so true; sometimes what comes around and goes around can be bad, but sometimes, in my case, it can be so good. ♥