At 10 this morning, I heard something I don’t hear often. Was it the mating call of the Sneetch? Believe it or not, I heard absolutely nothing; there was complete and total silence in the house, except for the occasional wheezing from Thunderbolt, the intermittent growling from Monty, and the hum of the dehumidifier in the basement.
What was so different about this morning than other mornings? Well, nothing really, because at 10am the house was always pretty quiet, especially when the voice of Lenny Briscoe couldn’t be heard over the sound of silence. Today, I knew that the silence would not be broken at 3:10pm when Iz arrived off the bus, because Iz had left.
She and John left to visit his parents in Pennsylvania for the holiday. Unlike previous trips, she was excited to go; she was horribly disappointed when they didn’t leave yesterday due to concerns over flooded roads. I couldn’t help but wonder if her eagerness to go was not so much the trip itself but because she knew was going somewhere where everyone was going to treat her like a princess, Princess Pukamunga, of course!
It was hard letting her go on a holiday, but I knew how much her grandparents wanted to see her, and so they should. I had shopped yesterday for Easter, so that all John had to do was stuff a few Easter eggs for her hunt and populate her basket. I went over all the Easter basket details with him last night like, “I can't find her basket, so you’ll need to buy her one,” “Tell her that the Easter Bunny said she can return the sunglasses at Claire’s when she gets home if she doesn’t like them,” and “If she’s bored at your parent’s house on Friday, give her the sidewalk chalk that is shaped like rabbits.”
He seemed to process it all. But, I’m sure I’ll get a call on Saturday night asking, “Where’s her basket?”, “You said these sunglasses are for Claire. Who’s Claire?”, and “Don’t you think that just one of these large rabbit SweeTarts is enough?” It’s a good thing I like to talk and don’t remind repeating myself over and over again!
Anyway, I always miss Nathan when is was gone, but as he grows older, it seems a bit easier for me to be able to let him go off, except when he has to drive on the highway after just getting his license. Since Iz is still so dependent, even though she likes to think she is the queen of her own country, IRULE (Isabelle’s Republic United Lipgloss Emirate), it is still hard for me to see her leave. And with her departure this morning, a huge wave from Motherhood Sea, which surrounds the country of IRULE, washed over me leaving me feeling relief, guilt, and sadness all in that order.
Being a stay-at-home Mom has been toughest job I’ve ever loved for sure. Sometimes I’ve thought it’s a lot easier to sit in a cubicle for 8 hours a day than it is to run a house and care for children. Truth be told, for the next few days, part of me was relieved at not having to watch Sponge Bob Square Pants, make dinner for anyone except me, the cats, and the dog, and come up with 137 answers to the 137 questions Iz asked me daily.
Who were Liam’s parents?
Why are the bottom of your feet so hard? (My calluses from running intrigue her.)
Who came first? Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers?
Of course, after she had been gone all of 20 minutes, I began to think, “What can I do now that I’m home alone?!” A pedicure, a trip off to the mall without any thought of when to return home, or a peaceful bubble bath without anyone knocking on the door shouting, “Mommy, Liam just threw up!”
The more I thought about doing anything, the more I thought about how most of the things I usually do, I do with Iz. When I was driving to the mall yesterday to Easter shop, I had the strange sensation that I had forgotten something. Was it my list? Was it my wallet? No; I forgot Iz, even though I knew I couldn’t bring her along.
When I got a pedicure, Iz had her little feet stuck in the water next to mine. When I went to the mall, she was holding my hand, asking me if we could get a bag of “chocolate balls.” And, when I cooked dinner, she was setting the table or dragging her little chair in from the family room, so she could stand next to the stove and stir something. For all intents and purposes, she was my BFF, and I felt guilty now about enjoying the things we usually did together.
As I sat in the hallway, I looked down at the floor. I saw the path that the little tornado left as she blew out of town. Usually, I’d curse such a pile for having to pick it up; however, there now wasn’t a pile that didn’t remind me of her and make me miss her more.
Can I bring my black boots? (No; they’re too worn.)
Which bag should I bring?
What purse should I carry?
Do I need my lunch box. (No. I’m sure your Dad will remember to feed you.)
Do I have any homework? Never mind; I’m going to be watching Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel instead.
I guess there’s no avoiding any of these emotions when you’re a parent. Relief, guilt, and sadness were part of the emotional package along with joy, love, concern, and “Please clean your room NOW!” among others. When the car pulled out of the driveway this morning, Iz blew me a kiss from one hand while clutching her purple mermaid, a bon voyage present from the cats, in her other hand. As I blew her a kiss good-bye I thought, “Have fun, and come home safe.”
At about 3:30, I received a picture from John.
He wrote, “In Newark, window’s down, she’s reading, and “You Belong to Me” is cranking on the radio. Iz had the breeze, a book, and Taylor Swift; just then, I felt like I got a postcard from Newark saying, “Mommy, I’m having a great time. Wish Taylor Swift were really here! It’s not raining in Newark. Do you think it’s raining in Florida?!”
I missed her, but I knew she was having a fine time. So, it's time for that solo pedicure now! And, while I know that there are many things I can do and enjoy without Iz, today, I knew that there wasn’t really much that I wanted to do without her. ♥
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