(Jeez Louise! I can't believe I almost forgot the soundtrack today.)
It’s very difficult the first day your Christmas tree is gone. It’s like losing a member of the family, well, albeit an inanimate one. There’s anger, denial, depression, and then there’s how I chose to deal with it.
Note: All pets signed waivers, and no harm was done to any of them. All right?! [giggle…giggle…giggle]
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cat, How They Wonder Why You Don’t Run Far………..Away From Me!
Striped But Does Not Taste Like Peppermint (Probably Tastes Like Chicken!)
I just wanted to let you know that I now finally understand why I was having so much difficulty taking down my Christmas tree. It was because I needed to write a book and then read it. What book was that? This one, of course.
So, after I read the last chapter, Chapter 8, which was “Reasons Why You Should Not Wait Until Arbor Day To Take Your Christmas Tree Down,” I decided it was time to take down the tree. Audience: Gasp! My Friend: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Goddess: No. It was time!
Chapter 7, “Evil Things Your Tree Might Do To Prevent You from Taking it Down” scared me a bit; however, I felt empowered, inspired, and not like I had just wasted $24.99 on a self-help book.
Of course, since I wrote the book, I did not pay for it. But, if I wrote it, I’m absolutely sure people would spend $24.99 on it, especially AC, who still had an Xmas tree hanging around indoors. And, I’m pretty sure that Quentin Tarantino would buy the movie rights, too! Christmas Tree Dogs. Hell, ya!
Anyway, I ventured down to the basement to fetch the Xmas boxes. After lugging all four of them up the stairs, I placed them in the living room. And, you know, the first step is always the most difficult.
I looked at the boxes, looked at the tree, and then I decided that I was exhausted. The first step is also the most tiring. I read that in Chapter 3, “Pre-Tree Deconstruction: Carbo Loading.” I didn’t have the recommended five bowls of Cheerios last night, so I was in an energy deficit.
I had to go rest on the couch for a bit. Okay, okay, okay. It was just one episode of “Criminal Minds.” And, I worked during the commercials for once. Two hours later (did I mention the intriguing “Cold Case” episode after that?), I had all the ornaments off of the tree.
So far, contrary to “Taking Down the Xmas Tree for Dummies,” my tree hadn’t done anything to prevent me from my work. I was beginning to think Chapter 7 was a pack of lies. Besides, everyone knows that the only trees that come alive are apple trees like in the “Wizard of Oz.”
As I was working today, I was joined by my three feline personal assistants, Thundie, Liam, and Plume. Since Liam is an indoor-only cat, as Plume will be, he has a special fondness for the tree. He spent most of December with gobs of sap on his back, because he’d go into the living room and sleep under the tree.
The tree was definitely his taste of the outside even if he was inside. In fact, I’m surprised Liam wasn’t picketing me with the sign, “Tree, yes! Monty, no!” Liam will certainly miss the tree the most.
Once all the ornaments were off, I started to unwrap the lights. (And, yes, I put them all the way around the tree; if you don’t, that’s cheating!) I had used three strands this year, because two was not quite enough and the one I added was just a tad too long. Needless to say, figuring out the intertwined lights was more perplexing than my worst iPod headphone tangle.
As I took off the lights, I noticed a pins-and-needles feeling in each leg; okay, it was really only needles. When I stopped, I looked down. It was Chapter 7! The tree was beginning to fight. Ouch!
At one point, I put down the strands of lights to answer the phone. When I came back, they were gone. I looked all around; suddenly, I felt something wrapping around my leg. It was the lights – they were alive and trying to suck me under the tree!
And, there was no doubt now that the whole Carole Ann bit in Poltergeist left a lasting impression on me, huh? I knew I lived in a town that began with “A,” but I didn’t think it was Amityville!
After I took all the lights off, the poor tree just gave up. There it was without ornaments and lights. It was naked and totally pissed off about it!
I went to unscrew the bolts in the stand. Nathan was home, so he held the tree for me. The bolts were so tight, I had to use my pliers (the pink ones!) to loosen them.
Nathan lifted the tree up and pulled it out of the stand. He brought it out the living room door, out the front door, and then brought it out to the backyard. The tree did not leave without final parting words.
Okay, they were more like needles, thousands of them. Look, if this were Christmas Tree C.S.I., we’d know that the victim was brought out the front door by the trail of bloo…needles!
After the tree was out, I pulled out the vacuum. You do know that pine needles are the Christmas gift that keeps on giving. I figured I'll be vacuuming up needles 'til September. Needles are like rabbits. Just when you think you’ve vacuumed up the last of them, you turn to vacuum another corner, turn back, and there are 10 more needles where you just vacuumed!
Along those lines, I thought of a great craft kit today. It’s the pine needle craft kit. Just look at the great things you can create. (By the way, screw FTD; say it with pine needles this Valentine’s Day!)
After two hours of vacuuming, the living room was back to normal. You never would have known that there was a tree here unless the C.S.I. team sprayed luminol over the carpet to detect the bloo...needle spray that occurred when the victim was disposed of. Vacuuming could not erase the trace.
When I went to close the front door, I saw the “water tree” reminder.
I took it down, and then I threw it in the trash. And, it was only later that I realized that our tree and wreaths would still be watered, albeit outside, by Monty.
It took me about 5 hours to take the tree down today, and I do believe that’s not counting “Criminal Minds” and “Cold Case.” Next year, I’m going to lobby for a real little blue spruce; we had one year due to major construction, and it now lives in the backyard. This December, the tree must be small and real or artificial. I hated seeing that beautiful tree lying there in the backyard. I fought the tree; however, today, I think the tree won. ♥
End blog soundtrack (just because I love Brian McKnight so much, especially this song):
What’s that you asked? Did I take down the Christmas tree today? Well, I thought about it while I was looking for jobs and watching “Law & Order” this morning. How many episodes of “Law & Order” you ask? Just two, but in my defense, they were two episodes that I had never seen. And, no, my pants are so not on fire! Oh, so you still want to know about the Christmas tree, do you? Gawd, you’re a pain. Well, like I said, I thought about doing it, so is that a partial “yes” credit toward taking down the Christmas tree? No? Has anyone told you that you’re a slave driver? Why? Because, like, I have so many other important things to do besides taking down the Christmas tree. What you ask? Well, I have to do laundry, make beds, change litter boxes, run at the gym, and read the new issue of “In Style” magazine (um, yeah, that is mandatory), and there are only so many hours in the day! You want to know why “Too Hot” is the blog soundtrack? Read on, Grasshoppers. ♥
Today, I sensed that this thing between me and the Christmas tree had become a battle of sorts. Could you have a battle with an inanimate object? In my defense, Don Quixote did. Was my Christmas tree a windmill? Why couldn’t I take the thing down? Somehow, I sensed that this was a rhetorical question for which I would be searching for the unavailable answer all this week or perhaps even all this month.
I was not new to battles. There had been many others this past year. Woman versus Finding Big Lipstick. Woman versus Funkytown. Woman versus the Couch. Woman versus New Year’s Resolution. Woman versus Price Labels on Glasses. Woman versus Kitten. Woman versus Coffee Travel Mug. And, this was just to name a few. It seemed that Woman versus Christmas Tree was going to be my greatest battle this year.
Then, I pondered whether I had a phobia, a really odd phobia. Well, just look at Billy Bob Thornton; he has a fear of antiques and is rumored to only eat orange foods. I wasn’t that phobic. Well, I didn’t think I was.
Did I have dendrophobia, or was it really a fear of taking down Christmas trees (sarcalogosdendrophia)? Okay. If you didn’t guess already, I made up that last phobia. But, it does sound good, doesn’t it?
By the way, I googled. There is a fear of Christmas trees. Obviously, I don’t have this given I put my Christmas tree up. Oh, but in case you're taking notes, it’s Christougenniatiko dentrophobia.
I had a conversation with a friend today. Me: “…thinking about starting to take the Xmas tree down.” Friend: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Me: “Next year, I'm just drawing an Xmas tree on a big piece of paper; it'd be a lot easier.” (Though, you’d definitely need a Yankee candle to complement the paper tree.) Friend: “I'm with you on the Xmas tree analysis.” Me: [after a trip to the gym] “Time to go home and take down the Xmas tree..........NOT!!!!” Friend: “Have you heard of 12th night????” Me: “I'm calling it the 108 Days of Taking the Christmas Tree Down Before Arbor Day.” Friend: “Oh give in and leave it up for next year.”
By the time I accomplished all my domestic duties today, I had to fetch Nathan from school. And before we could head home, he had to fetch his hockey equipment from his Dad’s. When I pulled into the driveway, I felt even more guilty. There was Quinn’s tree, undecorated and naked in the yard.
When Nate and I got home, I looked into the living room. There was my still decorated tree. I went in, took off one of my favorite ornaments, and placed it on the coffee table.
One down, and I had at least 107 more to take off. This was was oddly cool, because that was the exact number of days to Arbor Day. I now realized that I could take the tree down at the rate of an ornament per day!
When Iz got off the bus today, she asked, “Mom, are we going skating?” I didn’t even think about the tree then. I thought that this would be her first day on skates, and I said, “Yes. We’re going skating!”
I hadn’t skated in years, and I had to venture up to the attic to fetch mine. They were right next to my roller blades. I had been avid about that once upon a time. And when I was in high school, I loved roller skating with my friends at a rink in Hudson. In fact, whenever I hear Kool and the Gang’s “Too Hot,” I remember rolling along with all my high school friends.
Anyway, Iz was a natural after only 20 minutes, and like a natural, she almost fell down too! I was there to catch her; and I hope I always will be.
Of course, five minutes before this, she wanted me holding her side, both her arms, and have 911 on my speed dial. Suddenly, she said, “No. Let me go!" And off she went.
I thought about it later. Was I just lazy about the tree? I think I probably was. And, why not? It’s not every day you help your daughter skate for the first time. Besides, I had more tomorrows (353 to be exact) in which to take down my Christmas tree; and it was only this today that Iz first skated. ♥
Note: This is Vivian Campbell from Def Leppard; listen. It's a beautiful song.
Since it’s 30 degrees out and there’s a foot of snow of the ground, I figured that the risk of forest fires today is extremely low!
Given that these tumblers and wine glasses at Bed Bath & Beyond were so cheap, I figured that the down side was that it’d take me close to two hours to remove the price labels from each one!
With an added dog bone in the middle of this circle of dogs, I figured that this was Iz’s interpretation of a dog wagon train under attack.
Before I got Iz off the bus today at 3pm, I searched for jobs while watching “Law & Order” and then went to the gym. (Yes. “Take down Christmas tree” was still on my list of “Things to Do!”)
But, when Iz got off bus, she immediately asked, “Mommy, are we getting nails and toes done today?” I had mentioned a potential excursion over the weekend. So, I thought about taking the tree down for a second; however, I figured that our chipped finger and toenail polish should win!
I said, “Yes. Let’s go.” And she said, “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss!”
Hey, there are still 109 days ‘til Arbor Day. It’s all about priorities, right? I figured getting your nails done is livin' and taking the tree down isn’t. ♥
Today was my day to take the Christmas tree down. It was the priority after “Drink First Cup of Coffee.” Somehow how though, it kept getting deferred as the morning and day went on.
A friend of the family visited last night, bringing Iz not one but two craft kits. I know I sound like an arts and crafts Grinch, but I dislike craft kits immensely. I don’t dislike the art or craft part. I just can’t stand their teeny tiny components that linger in the carpet, all over the furniture, and in the animals' fur coats long after said craft project had been completed.
Iz received fairy box and purse projects. After I took my first sip of coffee this morning, Iz waved the fairy box kit in front of my face and asked, “Mom, can you help me do this?” I answered, “Sure,” and we sat down on the couch and began to stick teeny tiny mosaic tiles and jewels onto her box.
After two hours, we had only two panels done. Well, we were watching TV and being crafty, so there was bound to be a lower productivity rate than if we were at the kitchen table. I finally said, “I need a break.” She agreed.
After a 15 minute break that included a second cup of coffee, she held up the purse kit and asked, “Mom, can you help me do this?” I sighed. It was as if looking at the fairy kit had been like staring directly at the sun; at that point, it seemed that whenever I looked anywhere, all I could see were bright little mosaic tiles and pink and purple jewels sparkling brightly.
I answered, “Sure,” thinking that these craft kits would surely be the reason why our Christmas tree would still be up when Arbor Day rolled around this year. (Instead of planting a new tree, I’d be throwing one out in the back yard, which would truly look bad in the Arbor Day scheme of things.) Again, we sat on the couch, pulled out patches, and began to put them on the purse.
When 1pm rolled around, I knew I had to make the beds, put away laundry that had piled up, make an attempt to go run at the gym, and take the Christmas tree down. I told Iz again that I needed a break. She agreed I could go do a few things, but I had to return later to help her resume fairy box and purse construction.
By the time 2pm came, I had made the beds, put the laundry away, and cleaned up the kitchen. Iz asked me, “Mommy, can we work on the fairy box again?” I told her that I’d help her after I got home from the gym, though I wondered where I would find time for the construction of the fairy box and the destruction of the Christmas tree.
Upon arrival home from the gym, I was greeted by Iz, holding the fairy box in her hands. She asked, “Mommy, ready to work on the box now?” I looked at the box, looked at her face, and then I turned my head to the right and glanced at the still totally adorned Christmas tree in the living room. I said, “Yep. Let’s work on the box again!”
Today, I realized that one of the things I liked most about being unemployed was the tomorrows in a way that I had never experienced them before. If I had a job, the tree would have definitely come down today, knowing that Monday through Friday I’d be working; that is, I lived my life thinking, “I must do it today, because there is no tomorrow.”
As Iz trotted off with her box, I realized that if the tree didn’t get taken down today, I could do it tomorrow. And, if I didn’t get to it on Monday, I could do it on Tuesday, and so on. When I was working, the tree would have gotten today or at least the afternoon, and Iz and the craft kids would would have probably ended up as tomorrow.
Today, there was a whole week of tomorrows just waiting for me to take the Christmas tree down on any one of them. Just then, I realized how glad I was to have these tomorrows, because it was indeed the perfect day to work on the fairy and purse kits, even if it did take all of today. And, going forward, I'm going to make sure that it is always about today, because there is always tomorrow, even if it is Arbor Day. ♥
Yin (Liam) and Yang (Plume) in My Feline Community Note:
As some of you know, I received a pink tool kit for Christmas. I previously mentioned that I got a home improvement book from a friend when I bought my home; however, after realizing my home needed the help of professionals, that book spent most of its time in exile on a bookshelf. Anyway, if you do the home improvement math, that’s 1 (tools) + 1 (knowledge).
So, today, I wanted to show you how I’ve made the tools and the book equal 2. Of course, I will show you in my own way, because I love my way best. MMMmmm, BA, ha, ha, ha! (That was my evil maniacal laugh, okay?)
Screwing Around
Level-headed
Measuring Up
Needle Nose
Getting Hammered
"Humor can be one of our best survival tools." ~Allen Klein ♥
Don’t Be Careful of What You Wish for Note: It would seem that whenever I wish for or mention that I like something on my blog, I am fortunate enough to receive it. So far, I’ve received Samsara and Hermes perfume, the perfect travel mug, and last night, I received a red Alfa Romeo!
♥ Thank you, Melissa. Some day we will travel to Crane Beach in my real Alfa. ♥
That being said, let me try this…
Blog light Blog bright, The first googlebot I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, Have a job in a fortnight.
Oh, and thanks to my lovely assistan...no, more like my partner in crime (Bonnie & Bonnie, Inc.), Iz. ♥
I am a devoted mother of two wonderful children, a writer (technical by day and creative by night), an avid baker and crock pot goddess (♥ Sucra), a runner and a cyclist, a rescuer of pets, a vintage fashionista, and a dispenser of social glue.
